


VPN Story

by Tabbyluna



Series: Sexy Times With Wang Xian's Wall of Tags' Descendants [1]
Category: VPNs - Fandom
Genre: Cheesiness, Crack Treated Seriously, Inspired By Tumblr, Old Married Couple, Other, Robots, Screen Reader Friendly, Swordfighting, Were-Creatures, no editing we die like men, nonbinary characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:48:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29487780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tabbyluna/pseuds/Tabbyluna
Summary: NordVPN challenged ExpressVPn to a sword fight. But thankfully, with the help of their spouse, Surfshark, ExpressVPN should be alright in the upcoming battle.
Relationships: ExpressVPN/Surfshark
Series: Sexy Times With Wang Xian's Wall of Tags' Descendants [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2165928
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	VPN Story

**Author's Note:**

> So, in case you don't know what's going on, this is what happens when I make stupid challenges for myself. I took a bunch of tags off of the Sexy Times with Wang Xian wall of tags, randomised them, and made them into a thirty fic challenge. Fic 1's prompts are 'were-creatures', 'old married couples' and 'swordfighting', so I had to incorporate all three elements into the fic. 
> 
> The reason why I chose to write about VPNs was because of a prompt on questionableficprompts on tumblr which suggested that people write ship fic of the VPNs which constantly dund Youtuber's careers. Lo and behold, the result.

Surfshark raised their sword. Shiny from all the hours they spent polishing it. “En garde!” They called out. And in a flash, ExpressVPN ran towards them with their own sword. 

The two of them clashed, wide grins on their faces. A wereshark sparring against their partner, a large robot who could also turn into a train. They’d already been practicing for weeks, preparing for a competition with NordVPN. NordVPN, despite being a giant mountain creature, was a surprisingly good sword fighter. Neither Surfshark nor ExpressVPN knew where they learned how to fight like that. But regardless of where they studied the blade, they all knew one thing and one thing only: they wanted to defeat them in a sword fight.

Surfshark was a fencer. With years of experience under their belt. For the past few weeks, they’d been training their spouse on the art of war. And so far, they had to admit, ExpressVPN is a very gifted fighter. They got into the groove of battle real quickly. And Surfshark had to admit, they were very proud of them. So proud of them, that they went out and got ExpressVPN a sword to call their own. While Surfshark’s sword was traditional, handed down by their old teacher to them, ExpressVPN got a custom sword design.

And what a sword it was! Nearly five feet long and six inches wide, it was bright pink, shiny, and they’d even hung several keychains on it just to further personalise the weapon. ExpressVPN loved the sword, and not only that, but they were great at using it. With a couple swings, and a lunge, they managed to disarm Surfshark. Their tiny, traditional sword flew out of their hands, and landed several feet away from them on a patch of grass.

“Good session, dear,” said Surfshark, panting but grinning, showing off their many rows of sharp, shiny teeth. They walked over to grab their sword from off the ground. ExpressVPN walked to their leather scabbard, which lay in a chair on their front porch, and slipped their sword back in. 

“You think I’ll be ready to take on NordVPN tomorrow?” They asked. Surfshark nodded.

“I’m pretty sure you’ll crush them in the competition. That was some totally tubular swordwork you were doing.” They picked up their comparatively smaller scabbard, and slipped their own sword in.

ExpressVPN gave a small nod, a smile denoting a loved soul spread across their robotic features. “Let’s go inside and get some dinner, how about that?” They suggested. The two of them had been out training all day. Going at each other again and again. Sparring until ExpressVPN could so easily win sword fights. 

Surfshark would even say that they were becoming a better fighter than they were. The way they studied the blade, the way they danced with the weapon, it was so graceful and it practically bled mastery. They suspected that NordVPN dared ExpressVPN to a duel because they had wanted an easy challenge to take on. Well, the jokes on them now. Surfshark looked up at ExpressVPN, watching the way they sliced their meat for dinner. The way they were using techniques they taught them even in their cooking. ExpressVPN had always been a dedicated learner, no matter what they were learning. Surfshark saw it all the time, whenever they were picking up a new skill. They would always make sure to try and squeeze in as many moments of practice as they could. 

In one smooth movement, ExpressVPN scooped up all slices of meat on the chopping board with their knife, and flipped them into a bowl. NordVPN didn’t stand a chance against Surfshark’s bodacious spouse. 

“Well, dinner’s ready,” said ExpressVPN. They gave Surfshark their bowl of raw meat (a perfect dish for a wereshark such as themself), and then sat down opposite them at the dining table. They were going to plug themselves in to charge, science they predominantly ran on electricity. It was another reason why Surfshark thought that ExpressVPN was absolutely bodacious. Despite never needing to eat, they still took the time to figure out how to cook all of Surfshark’s favourite dishes.

Surfshark grinned when they saw their meal before them. There had to be three, maybe four different types of meat in there! “Oh, all this just for me?” They asked. 

“Of course,” said ExpressVPN. “Anything for you. You were the one who taught me how to sword fight like that after all. I wouldn’t be nearly as good and prepared for tomorrow if it wasn’t for you.” They smiled, and reached out to hold their spouse’s fin. “How many more days until you slip into human mode again, by the way?”

Surfshark was a most unusual were-creature. Instead of turning into their were-animal form only during nights with full moons, they instead turned into their human form once a month, and it wasn’t determined by the moon cycle at all. Rather, Surfshark said that it was more determined by an internal cycle. Some months, their humanisation came a bit earlier, some days, it came a bit later. Nevertheless, ExpressVPN still liked to know when they would turn into a human, so that they may go grocery shopping to prepare appropriate meals for them. Their house was always stocked with non-perishable food for humans though. Just in case any unprecedented transformations happened.

Surfshark had their face dipped down in the bowl and was busy chowing down on their meal. But when they heard their spouse ask a question, they looked up. They gulped down all the food in their mouth. “A couple more days dear, I’m pretty sure.”

“Well then, after the duel tomorrow we really ought to go grocery shopping then,” said ExpressVPN. “What have you been craving?”

“Well,” said Surfshark. Taking a moment to consider what foods they’d been feeling lately. “For breakfast… Why not have some chicken and waffles? It’s been a while since I had those, do you think you could manage those?”

“I’m certain I can,” said ExpressVPN.

Surfshark nodded, then continued stating their requests. “Okay, then, for lunch. I think I want some good, old-fashioned spaghetti in tomato sauce.” It was one of their favourite dishes to eat while a human. And they were of the opinion that ExpressVPN’s spaghetti was the best the world had to offer. Their sauce was always creamy and tangy, and their noodles were always perfectly cooked. Surfshark was certain that if they weren’t a wereshark, and instead a regular human, they would have that spaghetti every day.

“And finally,” they continue, “for dinner. Are you up for cooking something new?”

ExpressVPN leaned in, curious. “What do you have in mind?”

Surfshark pulled out their phone, and scrolled to a recipe they had saved. “I was surfing the internet the other day, as you do,” and Surfshark was very good at surfing the internet, “And I came across this sick recipe for this dish called beef stroganoff! Is it possible for you to make it?”

ExpressVPN leaned down to try and read it. Then after a quick scan through the recipe, they gave their thumbs-up. “It’ll be a fun challenge, that’s for sure. You really want to try this?”  
  
They nod. “It sounds good, and I bet with you cooking, it’ll be a most excellent meal.”

The rest of the evening went as it usually does. The same evening routine that they’d been going through for years and years. They did the dishes together. And then got ready for bed. ExpressVPN untangled the cables they used for their evening charging, while Surfshark painstakingly brushed their teeth. Once they were both prepared for bed, they wished each other goodnight, exchanged a kiss, and then fell asleep in each other’s arms.

* * *

They both woke up early. They needed to, in order to meet NordVPN at the location of the challenge on time.

ExpressVPN transformed into a train, and Surfshark climbed on. It was pretty convenient when your partner was also a vehicle. That just meant that they never had to worry about public transportation or buying any cars. Additionally, ExpressVPN may be a train. But they didn’t need tracks to travel. They hovered everywhere while in their vehicle mode. Which made them essentially a giant floating train. That was convenient for the both of them, because at least they didn’t have to deal with traffic of any sort. 

It was lovely to watch the world so early in the morning. Seated in their spouse, Surfshark looked at the outside world. The city around them was just stirring to life. People were coming out of their houses, the roads were slowly getting populated with more cars, and most beautiful of all, the sun was rising. It was something that Surfshark never failed to appreciate, whenever they could. Pressing their face against the glass, they could only marvel at the beautiful explosion of colours across the sky. The pinks, the oranges, melding together with the white of the clouds. Truly, it was a sight to behold.

They sat back down. “I bet you’d do great today dude,” they said, patting their seat. 

ExpressVPN chuckled. “I hope so dear,” they said, “I hope so.”

They’d finally made it to the field they agreed to meet NordVPN in. To their left was a forest, to their right was a mountain range. Surfshark alighted from ExpressVPN, and they transformed back into their robot mode. NordVPN should be arriving soon. They didn’t often show up to their own challenges late. And when they did, there was often a good reason (like traffic).

The ground shook, and Surfshark and ExpressVPN immediately knew what was coming up next. There was a loud sound coming from the mountain ranges, so the two of them turned to look in that general direction. And there, they could see, moving closer and closer to them, was NordVPN.

ExpressVPN clung onto their sword tightly upon spotting them in the distance. Surfshark noticed their partner’s anxiousness, and reached out for their hand. ExpressVPN squeezed their hand, their wordless way of thanking Surfshark.

NordVPN walked up to them, finally. Carrying a fairly big sword of their own. It wasn’t as fanciful as ExpressVPN’s, but it was still quite large, and decorated with butterfly stickers. For whatever reason, NordVPN was fond of butterflies. “So, you guys showed up,” they said.

ExpressVPN nodded. “We’d been practicing for weeks together. I’ve gotten pretty good too.” They unsheathed their sword, and gave their scabbard to Surfshark. 

NordVPN chuckled. “But are you good enough to defeat me in battle?” They asked. And then unsheathed their own sword, to reveal it in its full seven foot long, butterfly sticker covered glory. “En garde!”

And the minute they called that phrase out, the two of them immediately came for each other. 

ExpressVPN had to admit, NordVPN had skills. They frequently found themselves needing to play the defensive role, because NordVPN was simply that fast. NordVPN swung their sword right, left, down the middle. But regardless of what they did, ExpressVPN was always just fast enough to block their attacks. Sometimes they only managed to save themselves by the skin of their teeth, but eventually, they realised that they had been fighting against NordVPN for at least a whole minute. They’d already lasted much longer than a lot of other people while fighting. Even if they’d ultimately ended up losing, at least they’ll have this to brag about.

Surfshark watched the battle go on. How NordVPN was just a little more skilled than their partner, but how ExpressVPN was still just skilled enough to last. They muttered a secret wish in their heart. Hoping that ExpressVPN would find an opening for an attack.

ExpressVPN kept their eyes peeled. They shuffled about quickly on their feet. Their hands moving as fast as they could. NordVPN seemed utterly fixated on their movements, and they weren’t quite sure how they could pull off an offensive move. There wasn’t even a free moment for them to even look around and try to think of a plan. It was all dodging, all defense.

But in the corner of their eye, they spotted something! That’s it. The sun had fully risen now. They looked back at NordVPN, the sheer focus that they had on their face as they came after them with attack after attack. They knew that, being made of metal, they could reflect light the same way a mirror did. 

And suddenly, they knew what they needed to do.

They had to be very careful now. They chose their next steps carefully, trying to map out a way they could lead NordVPN to face them, in such a way that if they positioned themselves right, they could introduce NordVPN to an eyeful of sunlight. Slowly, they took one step back, one step to the left. One step to the left, one step to the right.

Almost there, they knew it. They could see Surfshark watching on eagerly, silently cheering them on. This motivated them further. They had to win this. If only to show that Surfshark had been a great teacher. A couple more steps left, and…

ExpressVPN saw a beam of light from between the mountains hit their chest, and in turn, the light reflected off of them, right into NordVPN’s eyes. Momentarily blinded, ExpressVPN took the opportunity to make an offensive move. Just like during their training sessions with Surfshark, in one smooth move, they were able to disarm NordVPN.

Their sword flew across the air, butterfly stickers and all, and landed right at the feet of Surfshark.

NordVPN could only stand there and stare. First at their empty hand, then at the weapon which now lay on the ground. Surfshark, on the other hand, had tears in their eyes. Tears of joy streamed down their face, as they ran towards ExpressVPN and pounced onto them, embracing them tightly.

“You did it, dude!” They said. ExpressVPN chuckled as they held Surfshark in their arms, and spun around, overwhelmed in the euphoria of victory.

NordVPN looked at them, and smiled. “Heh, well, I guess you really got me.” They walked up to them, and extended a hand towards ExpressVPN. “Good match.”

ExpressVPN smiled, and shook their hand. “Indeed. You’re definitely a formidable opponent.”

“So, what are you two planning on doing after this?” Asked NordVPN. 

ExpressVPN gave Surfshark a smile, and Surfshark nodded and grinned. “Well, we’re thinking of hitting the grocery store next. In a couple days I’ll be turning into a human for a day or so, so we’ll need to get some food that’s actually edible for humans instead of were-creatures.”

“Aw, I was anticipating something more interesting,” said NordVPN. “I thought that, y’know, since you’re together you might want to do something more fun than that.”

Surfshark chuckled. “Well, when you’ve been married for as long as we have, it’s only because even the mundane is fun with them.” The two of them kissed, and then headed off to the supermarket. NordVPN was no doubt astounded at the sheer sappy lovey-dovey ness they both were, based on their surprised expression. But neither Surfshark nor ExpressVPN cared. Not when they had each other. 

**Author's Note:**

> I only want to write crack now. 2020 made me go loopy, and I am only writing nonsense like this (with a few exceptions) from now on (unless I change my mind).
> 
> Also, you can totally do dramatic readings of this. Please. And if you do, sent me the video.


End file.
